Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
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My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.