I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
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Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?