[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
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Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.