daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
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Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”