Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
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sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
that lip filler tho
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.