‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
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[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
When I laugh on my period
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up