My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
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[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.