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My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
This could be us but you eatin’
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him