The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
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Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*