waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
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I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I need better friends
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat