“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
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People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
#Caturday
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.