[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
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*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was