A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
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Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.