HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
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Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.