If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
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me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.