Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
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HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.