you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
You Might Also Like
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
A classic…
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom