I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
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Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Holy shit he’s back
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I pray every night that I never become religious…