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Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.