If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
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I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.