Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
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[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.