One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
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Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
*puts words between two asterisks*
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it