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911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Happy Star Wars day!
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
President The Rock Obama
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
oh shit
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started