Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
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ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
.. do you even science?
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.