[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
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Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
This could be us but you eatin’
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.