My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
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*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW