Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
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I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
same bro
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP