my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
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Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen