What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
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[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.