The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
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my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.