The Last Dance just keeps getting better
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Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Monday?
No. Next question.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake