Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
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Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire