9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
You Might Also Like
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great