The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
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They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Hey I worked for it too!
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
The absolute effort that went into this omg