Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
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That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!