Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
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me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Hitlers gonna hitl
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Denise please return my vape pen
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists