I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
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The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.