gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
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I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….