For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
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Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.