I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
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chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
channeling her this year
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting