Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
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“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Would you wear it?
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”