I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. đ
You Might Also Like
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, âare YOU Chinese?â
I replied, âno, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.â
Shut your racist asses up.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Youâre not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless youâre the most confused person at the scene.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Wife: âWas that lightning?!â Me: âNo, theyâre taking pictures for Google earthâŚâ
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I saw a lady at work today doing âbreathing exercisesâ and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, âAt least youâre consistentâ & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.