My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
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I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Kermit goes Blue.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.