i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
You Might Also Like
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.