let’s play a round of hopscotch ๐โ ๐ป๐๐ผ
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Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now youโre blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Me: Itโs the next exit.
Husband: I know! You donโt have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: Howโs he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I donโt even know the song but I know youโre rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Iโm guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
โGreyโs Anatomyโ but itโs told entirely through the lens of the hospitalโs HR department.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
โmorning brentโ
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when theyโre bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes โouch hard no for that one?โ And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
not me looking down to google โwhy is my dog staring at meโ only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet ๐๐๐๐๐