Dogs should be allowed to drive.
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“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
he’s doing your taxes
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
sigh
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket