been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
You Might Also Like
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp