Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
You Might Also Like
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Optional boss fight.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
oh good, now I can stop drinking
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
“TGIM!” – My liver
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.