A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
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[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.