CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
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fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down